Assorted Jokes and other silliness:

Several of the jokes were found here: http://www.inhis.com/HumorNew/humor.asp

The rest are to be blamed on family members and friends, oh and the last is blamed on my 8th grade English teacher. :)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

"Who's there?" The robber said.

But no sound was heard.

So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he saw a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "cocodora."

"Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora?" "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus!"

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Two guys are trying to figure out who can throw the farthest. The first guy takes a brick, throws it in the air, count to about 10 and watches the brick thud on the ground. The 2nd guy picks up the brick and throws it into the air as hard as he can.

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Not Recommended on your next Fast Food Job Application:

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. Hey, if I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: You just had to ask - didn't you!

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: C'mon, if I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

A man is sitting in an airplane next to a woman with a very yappy poodle. He attempts to ignore the dog and stares out the window as he lights a cigarette. The woman with the dog is irritated and says "Don't you know that you can't smoke in here?" The guy says, "Your point is?" and continues to happily smoke his cigarette, smug in the knowledge that at least now they were both annoyed. The woman, clearly angry now, says "Look, I will take that cigarette and throw it out the window." The guy answers, "Oh yeah? You do that and I'll toss your dog out the window." The woman, knowing he can't be serious, snatches the cigarette and tosses it out the window. The man instinctively reaches for the small dog and tosses it after the cigarette, out the window. The woman passes out from shock and the guy feels a little guilty about his decision. After all, he didn't really mean to hurt the dog. Well, as the plane landed, those watching were astounded to see, perched on the wing of the plane, a poodle. Stranger than that, what do you think the creature had in its mouth?

A brick.

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent?

Show me the hunny!

How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?

Grapes are purple.

What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants stampeding over a hill?

Ooh. Look at all those grapes! (she was colorblind)

What can you find between an elephants toes?

Slow natives.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

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Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks.

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all standing in front of a magic mirror. The legend has it that if one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, then one becomes very rich and lives happily ever after. Well, the brunette walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the smartest woman in this room." *poof* She disappears. The redhead, thinking quickly, steps forward and says "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the room." *poof* She disappears. The blonde says, "I think..." *poof* She disappears.

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Sittiing in a bar, two men are having a drink after work. Feeling social, John introduces himself and says to the other man, "Where are you from friend?" The man, a gentleman named Mike answers "Boston. You?" "You're kidding! I'm from Boston too! Let's drink to that." The two men toast and drink down their Guiness. Mike says, "I don't suppose you went to college nearby did ya?" John says, "Sure, I went to Boston University." Mike shakes his head, seemingly amazed, "Why I went to BU too! Bartender, another round for me and my friend here." The men toast again. John says, "I don't suppose you have any family around here?" Mike exclaims "I grew up right around the corner, over on Oak Street." John gasps, "No.....I grew up on Oak Street! Let's drink to the neighborhood!" John asks Mike, "Do you have any family around here? I am surrounded by sisters at home. Five of them to be precise." Mike almost falls out of his chair, "I have 5 sisters too! Let's drink to our sisters!" A couple nearby, watching this exchange, comments to the bartender about how amazing it is that these two men with so much in common have found each other in a simple pub. The bartender laughs, "Ah....this is nothing new. It's just the Murphy brothers getting drunk again."

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On a trans-Atlantic flight, there are several religious men returning home from various vactions and find themselves in the middle of a storm. The turbulence shakes the plane violently and the religious men come to a consensus that it might be wise to pray. Who should lead the prayer in this diverse group? Well, the priest volunteers and begins solemnly, "Holy Father and all the saints, St. John, St. Michael, the blessed St. Patrick, St. Peter..." ::ahem:: One of the other men points out that he might want to pray a little quicker, as the engine appeared to be smoking. The priest hurries and adds "and all the rest please rescue us from this terrible situation." Well, nothing changes and the plane continues to go down. The rabbi pipes up and offers to try next, "We ask You, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to please save us from this plight." Again, no change and the plane's speed appears to be increasing. A minister of the Protestant variety takes the next turn, "Lord, please help us and intervene in our behalf. We really would appreciate the help." Sincere as he was, the plane continued to plunge. Then, the buddhist says very calmly, "We must all join hands." Well, they were willing to try anything as the ocean surface grew increasingly closer. "Now, chant and bow with me," the buddhist monk explained and began bowing and saying "Buddha, buddha, buddha" and the others followed his lead. Well, wouldn't you know it, a giant hand reaches from the sky, scoops up the plane at the last minute and begins lifting it safely back into the air. The priest lets out a huge sigh and says "Thank God." and...
SLAM........the hand smashes the plane to the ground. (ok....it was funny in 8th grade)

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Ok....that's it for now, keep in mind I am typing at a quarter to 6 am, due to insomnia and a 3 year old that thinks that 5:45 is a fine time to play nintendo. :)